I will pin and mount you like a butterfly
Sunbathing my eyes is a radiant bliss
Both dry and wet
Both hard and soft
Too much and not enough
When I close my eyes shut
She haunts my daydreams
I see the shape of her mouth in the leaves that fall off their trees
I hear the way she calls my name in the wind that plays with the rain
I trust her when she texts, ‘C U soon Xx’
This moment I inhale stretches out so long
That my life unfolds only in the present
Where my puppy dog excitement follows new trails
Nose to the ground, tail in the air
I have no fear of the unknown
No fear of uncertainty
I’m fearless
Reckless and fearless
But let’s not get carried away
My exhales are toxic and immature
Marijuana smoke and breathy laughs
Arrogant judgements and pretences of insightful wisdom
Romantic delusions and endless cups of tea
But whatever - this feeling I’m sure of
Even if the rest is bullshit
This feeling exists
It’s valid
Has truth
So that’s something
So you’re something
And so we could be something
Opening my eyes wide, I see
The sunlight shimmers on the yellow wall
As it plays with the leaves outside the window
Before pushing its way through to my bedroom
The air is cold and crisp
Like the apple slices I have in my oats
Would you share apple slices with me?
I can never finish a whole apple in the morning anyway
Would you share apple slices with me?
It’s a question that is impossible to answer either ‘yes’ or ‘no’
With the mirage of future time whose horizon is an abstract number that is vague and deceptive
We could share limitless apple slices
All I want is to share apple slices with you
But - at the same time
Have you ever thought about how sharing apple slices is so - deeply - intimate
And we’re definitely not there
I play our conversation that we’ve never had in my head
‘Hey, how’s it going? Did you enjoy the party?
‘Yeah, me too, but do you know what it made me realise:
We’ve never had a proper chat, do you know what I mean?
‘I think - correct me if I’m wrong here - that it’s partly because we take it for granted that we have some kinda mutual understanding, some natural rapport’
I imagine you would be touched by my enthusiasm to get to know you well
I imagine you would be turned on by my sensitivity
That made it possible to point out our inexplicable vibing
What’s more important here?
The desire, the fantasy
Or seeing the fantasy for what it is?
If we lose the fantasy and the desire,
What else do we lose?
Perhaps not just the illusion but also the love
I want to believe the feeling is true
And that the fantasy serves as its beautiful package
The feeling I can be sure of
The feeling can put all the pieces together
While at the same time, the feeling means that there are no pieces to put together
The feeling is bitter, dark and rich
The same as the end of this coffee
